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ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

January 14, 2021 Roak
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Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast. Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless. Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful...

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Onineko Walks the Red Carpet – Receives Pants 7/10H

January 11, 2021 Roak
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Greetings and Salutations to all the grand people of Onineko and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast. In this edition, we break down all the goss, glitz and glamour from the 2021 Council of Blood first heroic kill awards show and find out who is the coveted winner of the 2021 Onineko Dance Party Award. Let’s get started! First, let’s introduce our hosts for this wonderful event: Starting from the top, the first target and looking absolutely fabulous wearing his...

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Glaifing: The hit new drug killing your children! 6/10H

January 4, 2021 Roak
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Greetings Fellow Oninekians and welcome to the latest Roak Poast coming to you live from my desk under threat of castration by Bob “if it’s not out by midnight…” Our top story this week. The new drug hitting the streets that is raping your children right under your noses. It’s called Glaifing, but also goes by the street names, chimping, snarking, evilteddy and hula hooping with the jamaican queen. So where are your children getting these glaifs from? His name...

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Sneaky Sunday Sessions: Hungering Destroyer down! 3/10H

December 21, 2020 Roak
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Of Castle Nathria’s ten bosses, Hungering Destroyer (HD) is arguably the most forgettable (at least in normal), with mediocre tank mechanics and otherwise ignorable other mechanics, I’ve found it hard to get excited about this boss. Heroic mode does improve the experience, adding in a new mechanic and doubling the total fight length. Not unlike most of the virgin nerd lords in Onineko, HD suffers from a serious case of blue balls, an ailment he can only rid himself of,...

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Onineko Storms Onward! 10/10N 2/10H

December 18, 2020 Roak
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Pew pew! Welcome all present and future Oninekians that are attracted to the guild by my hilarious words and welcome to this installment of the Shadowlands era of Roak Poasts and our second of Castle Nathria progression. It’s been a big week for Onineko having cleared normal and reclaimed our realm-first-for-one-boss-because-all-the-good-guilds-were-in-heroic title! What’s that? Onineko is a realm first guild? Why yes, yes we are. Is it coincidence that less than 24 hours after Turtle assumed GM responsibilities that Onineko...

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Shadowlands Delivers! Onineko storms into Castle Nathria 6/10N

December 11, 2020 Roak
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Raiding is back! Castle Nathria launched this week and Onineko took our first steps into the inaugural raid of the Shadowlands expansion. But first, a word from our sponsors: Do you need an arcane intellect buff or some conjured food, but with optional dps ability? Then come on down to Kupp’s Basic Mage Service! We service all your catering and intelligence increasing needs, without the fuss of a player who knows how to deal a lot of damage. Warning: May...

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Psuedopenises, Cloacas and Za’Qul, Oh My! 7/8H

July 31, 2019 Roak
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Here it is, we finally arrive at the pointy end of The Palace of Azshara raid instance with the penultimate boss, Za’Qul, also known as Generic Tentacle Monster #76 (settle down Ruki) but have Blizzard finally managed to produce a satisfying boss experience this tier after a mostly lacklustre performance from the previous six bosses? Read on and find out… (Spoiler alert, the answer is Yes). Za’Qul Heroic is so far, the most enjoyable boss of the tier and goddamnit...

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Trash Before Za’Qul Down! 6/8H

July 25, 2019 Roak
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Greetings to all the little Roaks and Roakettes out there and welcome to the Roak Poast. Welcoming back incumbent asshole Shacarius, we ventured back into Azshara’s Eternal Palace. With only a handful of bosses left, we were confident we could wrap up another boss or two and add to the growing trophy case of boss heads that I assume Yog keeps in his house next to a photo of Roak with the inscription “Best Onineko GM Ever!” Back to Azshara,...

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We killed three bosses and all I got was paying Sandy a lousy thousand gold 5/8H

July 19, 2019 Roak
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So it seems that apparently some people don’t like to read news posts entirely about how great Roak is. I’ll spare everyone the embarrassment and not mention any names (Captain Murray Pants and The Saj) and dedicate myself to writing about the actual raid this time instead of my previously prepared post titled “1000 Words About How Great Roak Is”. We started the raid at boss number three. The Radiance of Azshara. This guy kinda reminds me of Immerseus from...

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Ez Fears Roak, Rerolls Paladin – 8/8N 2/8H

Ez Fears Roak, Rerolls Paladin – 8/8N 2/8H

July 18, 2019 Roak
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Despite limited play time this tier and a clear lack of understanding of any boss mechanics, Guild Legend Roaktahl has been able to rally the guild with his charismatic charm, leading from behind the scenes to see Onineko claim the scalp of Queen Azshara in her Eternal Palace in normal difficulty, just one week after the launch of the tier. Not only that, but dipping our toes in the water (geddit??) in heroic and knocking over the first two bosses...

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