Shit-post

GUǏMĀO Learns Hokey Pokey – Eliminates Ravenous Gulper! 3/10M

Good Afternoon Guimao! Nine-fingers Roak here with the latest and greatest scoop on Guimao Progress! After blue balls’ing ourselves last week on a 6% wipe then failing to get enough attendance for a second go the following night. We returned to Castle Nathria’s mythic difficulty this week to achieve an underwhelming kill against Hungering Devourer on the second attempt (at least not nearly as exciting as a kill after the last attempt the previous week would have been). Guild Master,...

Ni Hao! Guǐmāo (formerly Onineko) Sells Out to China

Hello Friends (and Bootloops) and welcome to this special edition of the Roak Poast, in which we farewell a dear friend, cold-blooded terrorist and hummus thief. Turtle’s tenure as GM was short, but in the crucial opening months of Shadowlands, the changes he inacted on Onineko were nothing short of transformational. I didn’t raid much in BfA but it must have been shit house by comparison to the experience he forged this expansion. While Turtle has been the butt of...

Roak Circumcises Finger in Desperate Hope to Bless Mythic Progress 2/10M

Greetings followers of Onineko’s #1 News Platform the Roak Poast and welcome to this edition of Roak Poast EXTRA TIME as we go beyond the boring heroic difficulty and into what we’re all really here for, repeatedly wiping on mythic bosses! The night began like most others, I was in the kitchen helping to prepare dinner with the wife, when I remembered that we bought a really big and sharp new knife. Figuring now as good a time as any...

Daddy Dennis Dies! The Revenge of the Rising Return 10/10H

Folks, it’s rare that I admit wrongdoing and accept and own the mistakes I’ve made. This is largely because I am never wrong and have yet to make a mistake. It has been seventeen days since our last heroic ‘first kill’ – The Stone Legion Generals, and Onineko was still reeling from the Grand Theft Hummus perpetrated by the still sitting GM Turtle. However if the last seventeen days of progression on Daddy Dennis has taught me anything, it’s that...

Turtle AWOL! Onineko Survives Hummus Drought to Down Stone Legion Generals! 9/10H

Hello to all my weird and wonderful guildmates and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast, the penultimate Poast for heroic in the Castle Nathria tier. But first, an update on our top story. Guild Master of Onineko, and suspected child molester, Turtle has in fact, made it to the water. After embezzling 60,000L of Onineko brand hummus, Turtle, who was heard laughing like a cartoonish villain was seen just outside Uluru with a group of indigenous children who looked very...

ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast. Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless. Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful...

Onineko Walks the Red Carpet – Receives Pants 7/10H

Greetings and Salutations to all the grand people of Onineko and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast. In this edition, we break down all the goss, glitz and glamour from the 2021 Council of Blood first heroic kill awards show and find out who is the coveted winner of the 2021 Onineko Dance Party Award. Let’s get started! First, let’s introduce our hosts for this wonderful event: Starting from the top, the first target and looking absolutely fabulous wearing his...

Glaifing: The hit new drug killing your children! 6/10H

Greetings Fellow Oninekians and welcome to the latest Roak Poast coming to you live from my desk under threat of castration by Bob “if it’s not out by midnight…” Our top story this week. The new drug hitting the streets that is raping your children right under your noses. It’s called Glaifing, but also goes by the street names, chimping, snarking, evilteddy and hula hooping with the jamaican queen. So where are your children getting these glaifs from? His name...

Terrorists Win: Turtle Completes Takeover as Yogoth Joins Old Boy Hall of Fame

As is tradition within the hallowed halls of our beloved guild. Each time a GM passes beyond the realms mortal world into that peculiar land of purgatory known as "Old Boy", we take a moment to honour their contributions to our guild, great and small

Sneaky Sunday Sessions: Hungering Destroyer down! 3/10H

Of Castle Nathria’s ten bosses, Hungering Destroyer (HD) is arguably the most forgettable (at least in normal), with mediocre tank mechanics and otherwise ignorable other mechanics, I’ve found it hard to get excited about this boss. Heroic mode does improve the experience, adding in a new mechanic and doubling the total fight length. Not unlike most of the virgin nerd lords in Onineko, HD suffers from a serious case of blue balls, an ailment he can only rid himself of,...