Shit-post

Onineko feat ‘Friends of Rip’ unseats Sylvannas and digs into Mythic! 10/10H 3/10M

Dear friends, under threat of virtual torches and pitchforks at my door if this Roak Poast doesn’t release. I have decided to dedicate some time under duress to document the heroic tales of Onineko in our campaign through the Sanctum of Domination. Previously expected to culminate at the end of Heroic Sylvannas, Onineko has had new life breathed into it in the form of dropping our most underperforming player – a restoration Shaman who nobody can quite remember the name...

A Wild Roak Poast Appears 10/10N 9/10H

Dearest friends, Thought it pains me to say, I have been derelict in my duties of writing nonsensical geek drivel on the internet to reflect our heroic deeds inside the World of Warcraft. In an attempt to make up for this slight, I have attempted to write this mega poast detailing the exploits of Onineko in our 9.1 Chains of Domination raiding campaign. Unfortunately the State of California sent the Roak Poast office a cease and desist letter over the...

Chains of Social Distancing – A Guide To Covid-Safe Raiding! 3/10H 9/10N

As a World of Warcraft player, it is already very likely that your poor hygiene, body odour and disfigured face, combined with any physical disabilities has caused you to lead a relatively isolated and friend-free life already.

Lust When The Balls Come! Onineko Cracks The Sanctum of Domination! 7/10N

It's been four months since our last Roak Poast and oh my goodness does it feel strange to be back here after so long! After making us wait while they re-released the 14 year old Burning Crusade Classic (now with extra payment gateways for easier microtransactions!), Blizzard have finally delivered on patch 9.1 including the new raid instance The Sanctum of Domination.

GUǏMĀO Learns Hokey Pokey – Eliminates Ravenous Gulper! 3/10M

Good Afternoon Guimao! Nine-fingers Roak here with the latest and greatest scoop on Guimao Progress! After blue balls’ing ourselves last week on a 6% wipe then failing to get enough attendance for a second go the following night. We returned to Castle Nathria’s mythic difficulty this week to achieve an underwhelming kill against Hungering Devourer on the second attempt (at least not nearly as exciting as a kill after the last attempt the previous week would have been). Guild Master,...

Ni Hao! Guǐmāo (formerly Onineko) Sells Out to China

Hello Friends (and Bootloops) and welcome to this special edition of the Roak Poast, in which we farewell a dear friend, cold-blooded terrorist and hummus thief. Turtle’s tenure as GM was short, but in the crucial opening months of Shadowlands, the changes he inacted on Onineko were nothing short of transformational. I didn’t raid much in BfA but it must have been shit house by comparison to the experience he forged this expansion. While Turtle has been the butt of...

Roak Circumcises Finger in Desperate Hope to Bless Mythic Progress 2/10M

Greetings followers of Onineko’s #1 News Platform the Roak Poast and welcome to this edition of Roak Poast EXTRA TIME as we go beyond the boring heroic difficulty and into what we’re all really here for, repeatedly wiping on mythic bosses! The night began like most others, I was in the kitchen helping to prepare dinner with the wife, when I remembered that we bought a really big and sharp new knife. Figuring now as good a time as any...

Daddy Dennis Dies! The Revenge of the Rising Return 10/10H

Folks, it’s rare that I admit wrongdoing and accept and own the mistakes I’ve made. This is largely because I am never wrong and have yet to make a mistake. It has been seventeen days since our last heroic ‘first kill’ – The Stone Legion Generals, and Onineko was still reeling from the Grand Theft Hummus perpetrated by the still sitting GM Turtle. However if the last seventeen days of progression on Daddy Dennis has taught me anything, it’s that...

Turtle AWOL! Onineko Survives Hummus Drought to Down Stone Legion Generals! 9/10H

Hello to all my weird and wonderful guildmates and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast, the penultimate Poast for heroic in the Castle Nathria tier. But first, an update on our top story. Guild Master of Onineko, and suspected child molester, Turtle has in fact, made it to the water. After embezzling 60,000L of Onineko brand hummus, Turtle, who was heard laughing like a cartoonish villain was seen just outside Uluru with a group of indigenous children who looked very...

ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast. Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless. Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful...