Shit-post

[Classic] Blizzard introduces new idle game: Warcraft Classic!

Warcraft Classic, aka Queue Simulator 5000, a “new” game by the geniuses at Activision Blizzard, released earlier this week that has, so far, been lauded as the greatest blue balling dick tease since Jessica Nigri announced she’d never do porn. In an exclusive report by The Roak Poast, we’re going to take a Deep Dive into Queue Simulator 5000 (QS5) and give you all the information you need to make the most of your QS5 experience. Let’s get started shall...

Psuedopenises, Cloacas and Za’Qul, Oh My! 7/8H

Here it is, we finally arrive at the pointy end of The Palace of Azshara raid instance with the penultimate boss, Za’Qul, also known as Generic Tentacle Monster #76 (settle down Ruki) but have Blizzard finally managed to produce a satisfying boss experience this tier after a mostly lacklustre performance from the previous six bosses? Read on and find out… (Spoiler alert, the answer is Yes). Za’Qul Heroic is so far, the most enjoyable boss of the tier and goddamnit...

Trash Before Za’Qul Down! 6/8H

Greetings to all the little Roaks and Roakettes out there and welcome to the Roak Poast. Welcoming back incumbent asshole Shacarius, we ventured back into Azshara’s Eternal Palace. With only a handful of bosses left, we were confident we could wrap up another boss or two and add to the growing trophy case of boss heads that I assume Yog keeps in his house next to a photo of Roak with the inscription “Best Onineko GM Ever!” Back to Azshara,...

We killed three bosses and all I got was paying Sandy a lousy thousand gold 5/8H

So it seems that apparently some people don’t like to read news posts entirely about how great Roak is. I’ll spare everyone the embarrassment and not mention any names (Captain Murray Pants and The Saj) and dedicate myself to writing about the actual raid this time instead of my previously prepared post titled “1000 Words About How Great Roak Is”. We started the raid at boss number three. The Radiance of Azshara. This guy kinda reminds me of Immerseus from...

Ez Fears Roak, Rerolls Paladin – 8/8N 2/8H

Ez Fears Roak, Rerolls Paladin – 8/8N 2/8H

Despite limited play time this tier and a clear lack of understanding of any boss mechanics, Guild Legend Roaktahl has been able to rally the guild with his charismatic charm, leading from behind the scenes to see Onineko claim the scalp of Queen Azshara in her Eternal Palace in normal difficulty, just one week after the launch of the tier. Not only that, but dipping our toes in the water (geddit??) in heroic and knocking over the first two bosses...

Battle for Daz’azalazalor proof guild can succeed without best player – 9/9H 1/9M

Friends, I’ve been carrying this guild since 2010. In Wrath, it was the likes of Cil and Trammy, names that only a handful of players will remember, that I carried to victory over Arthas and the Scourge. I kept those useless bastards alive so that we could achieve our goal and clear the tier before the end of the expansion. You see, these were the early days. Back then the jokes about how shit Onineko was, weren’t jokes, but self...

A Guild made it to Melbourne!

A Guild made it to Melbourne!

Greetings dear friends and sworn enemies and welcome to this exclusive edition of the Roak Poast – Adventures in Melbourne. In this week’s edition we discuss bad choices, unhealthy relationships and Deages: the man behind the mask, but before we get into that… Not since (maybe) 2014 has such a great number of Oninekians gathered together in the one place to share beers, bodily odours and good times! Yes friends, this past¬†weekend some time ago PAX in Melbourne happened and...

Onineko defeats G’huun: Roak procrastinates posting about it 8/8H

Onineko defeats G’huun: Roak procrastinates posting about it 8/8H

Greetings nerds and nerdettes! Today is a special day. It’s special because I set myself a hard deadline to write this stupid post by tonight and it’s currently 9pm and this is the only sentence I’ve got written. I tried to have a think about what was causing this creative block and I think I’ve come to a conclusion. G’huun just wasn’t that interesting. Sure I could write a few paragraphs about how much of a fucking retard Deages is...

Do they actually expect me to write something? 7/8H

Do they actually expect me to write something? 7/8H

We interrupt this weeks issue of Roakpoast for an erotic fan-fiction. “Muahahahaha!” Bellowed Zul. Weeks of not being killed by Onineko had made the dead troll zombie ghost thing cocky and overconfident. Little did he know that this time, it was different. Not Sandy “accidentally” pulling early at five seconds, that was the same. Nor Kupp running to Narnia and ranging the healers, that too was the same. Maybe it was the absence of the safety net Roak brings with...

It’s ok to give people AIDS – Vectis and Zek’voz Down 5/8H

It’s ok to give people AIDS – Vectis and Zek’voz Down 5/8H

I thought I’d take a break from slagging Group2 today as their progress (or lack of it) says more than any mean words I can think up could possibly do. Instead, I want to go back to some classic Roak posting. The kind of self-gratifying nonsensical spew that makes me feel good about myself when I write it… You know, the important things. Our story begins Thursday night. We had a tenuous lead over G2 after they defeated G’huun, knowing...