Daddy Dennis Dies! The Revenge of the Rising Return 10/10H

Folks, it’s rare that I admit wrongdoing and accept and own the mistakes I’ve made. This is largely because I am never wrong and have yet to make a mistake.

It has been seventeen days since our last heroic ‘first kill’ – The Stone Legion Generals, and Onineko was still reeling from the Grand Theft Hummus perpetrated by the still sitting GM Turtle. However if the last seventeen days of progression on Daddy Dennis has taught me anything, it’s that hummus is not for fun, it’s the necessary fuel that keeps our guild high in proteins and fibre while also maintaining consistent lubrication without being too oily.

Yes friends, The Roak Poast published some articles covering the Hummus Heist of 2020, perpetrated by Turtle, but I must admit (and as previously discussed, this is not a mistake) – There was a reason for this! Turtle, our GM, best known for keeping a “Shag Sheep” in his basement has been moderating the guild hummus supply in order to shape Onineko into a lean, greasy, fighting kebab machine! And the results…? They speak for themselves.

In true classic Onineko style. We arrived at the pull after the pull after the last pull (albeit 2 days, 21 hours and 45 minutes later) and stomped this sucker into the dirt. Some people (Lorry) might say the kill lost some of it’s glossy shine given we needed major hotfix buffs to some people (Facey) in order to get over the line, but I say… well yeah you’re right, but Onineko has been relying on content nerfs and class buffs since 2012 so whatever.

But! We’re not here to wank over our own awesomeness. We’re here to acknowledge all the heroes and losers of the 50+ wipes of Sire!

Roaktahl – The Guild Main Tank, expert player, grand hero of Onineko and just a really swell guy. Seeing an obvious weakness in co-tank Bob, Roak took it upon himself to carry the lagging Paladin and effectively tank twice as much damage as him. This is on top of doing all the harder versions of each mechanic (phase 1 breath, phase 2 positioning + sword tanking and phase 3 scorn).

SpicyTurtle – The GM and recently exonerated hummus-thief. Turtle ran his voice ragged calling out all the shit you retards should be able to watch on your own.

Ez – Heal leader and coordinator of all cooldowns, though by her own admission the kill wasn’t that hard so maybe she doesn’t deserve any praise.

Foot-Fetishists Worldwide – At the time of writing, the boss kill video was going viral on

Image result for foot gross
This is what happens when you don’t watch your feet.

Bob – For much of the reasons written above, Bob was basically useless and contributed nothing.

Come on Bob…

Lorry – “Once he starts counting down you can push him.”

Ruloc – Probably had his pet on passive.

Angryhealzz – Didn’t bring his Priest with the required fort buff till last night.

Neuro – Died early on every ~1% wipe and couldn’t even beat Facey on the kill.

Dirbs – Is American. Probably voted for Trump.

Sandy – Mandatory inclusion.

Bootloops – Missed a chunk of progression wiping and got carried for the kill.

Kupp – For desperately scrolling through this list while looking for his name.

The Rest – Y’all didn’t do anything meaningful or memorable enough.

Daddy Dennis was an excellent boss and a brilliant end to a great intro raid for Shadowlands. It’s taken some excellent leadership and a raid team full of autistic mouth breathers to get this far and I’m excited for what the future holds!

7/7 Roaks

We did it team!

Full Video Here:

With heroic cleared, we come to the end of this season of Roak Poasts. I have greatly enjoyed roasting every single one of you and look forward to future roasts. If you wish to hear from me again before 9.1, make sure you get good and kill some mythic bosses!

– Roak