Onineko: Now with Masters Degree 7/10N 3/10H!

Hi Friends!

When Boot n’ Bob (great band name by the way) first messaged me (in a Discord channel excluding Jen) to have “the talk” about playing a dps this tier and having the inferior Exploit tank in my place – I was understandably concerned. For you see, in 17 years of playing World of Warcraft, through leading guilds and raids of all different sizes – I have only ever played as Resto or Bear. My concerns were elevated only further last week, after admitting to my long-term friend (and perhaps the only person who can truly understand what it is to be a bad player) Licarius, that I had become every bad DPS player I had encountered in nearly two decades of WoW.

From standing in bad, to tunneling, to looking at my bars and spellbook to find the abilities I wanted to use, it was probably the lowest point of my WoW career.

…and then I changed my covenant to Night Convoke and gained access to an I-Win button.

The following Roak Poast, is a tribute to my greatness.

This week started really well for me if you exclude everything to do with the first boss. Starting with Skrillex the single target semi-patchwerk worm of dps tunneling, I was doing my thing, being a Convoke Fae and pressing my I-Win button, minding my business when Boot, the jealous prick of a turd that he is, decided to distract me with one of the two things that can divert my attention (those being boobs and stroking my… ego) and called attention to the fact that I was in fact, awesome. The momentary lost focus (cause I’m a deeply focused kind of guy) resulted in me eating a bunch of blue swirlies and I blame Boot for me not ranking on that fight. Fuck you Boot.

But a good night would only get better when we headed to Lihuvim the boss of exposing the holes in your raid leader’s strategy. This boss had a game breaking “bug” whereby if you didn’t do the mechanics correctly, you would be faced with unhealable damage and wipe (weird I know). Despite the handicaps applied to our attempts by our GM (and the handicaps he has to deal with in his life every day), Luluvu was eventually downed by the guild last week, but that was before I became a Convoke Bot so that first kill has been erased and this week’s kill will take it’s place.

3/7 Roaks

Straight after Lulu comes easily the best and most interesting boss that Normal mode has thrown at us so far, and that’s Anduin. Formerly the King of Stormwind, corrupted by Sylvannas, twisted by the Jailer and now ripe for some raiding! Anduin’s main and most difficult mechanic is (as is a tradition) a thinly veiled political commentary on the hierarchy of different races in the world.

Before we dive in to the analysis – The Roak Poast would like to thank Gachie and his Masters Degree for contributing the research material that was used to draw the conclusions stated in this article.

One of the mechanics in the Anduin fight is a combo debuff applied to all raid members at the same time. Half the raid will be marked black and the other half white (although Facey was quick to announce that there are no “whites” and that the former “whites” were now “yellows”). In each simulation, the “yellows” were to remain stationary, while the “blacks” would be forced to run laps around the arena floor, each servicing the need of a “yellow” raid member.

This is of course a metaphor for the Russian/Ukraine conflict currently afflicting Europe at this time, what is most puzzling to the editorial staff at Roak Poast headquarters is how Blizzard was able to predict the conflict so far in advance (given it takes them 6 years to fix a bug in a dungeon mechanic from five expansions ago). Is this signs of a deeper conspiracy undermining the already embattled game studio after essentially encouraging Bill Cosby style rape, or just wild speculation from some guy on the internet with free time while his baby is asleep? The truth is anyone’s guess.

Anyway, Anduin was a pretty fun fight and we killed it.

6/7 Roaks

Not content with just killing new normal bosses this week. Onineko, led by the greatest feral druid the guild has ever seen (and once again proving we’re not recruiting Druids because I can do it all), we worked our way through heroic to face Da Sausage to round out the week. I had one goal coming into this fight – get revenge on Boot cause he’s a toothless red-headed Huntard and easy to pick on – and I’m proud to say I achieved that goal!

Now I know what you’re gonna say. “Roak, this is from Nor-” and I’m gonna cut you off right there. It doesn’t matter where this log came from. It doesn’t matter if Boot was switching to the add and Roak wasn’t. It doesn’t even matter that Lic is inadequate as both a Resto Shaman and a father to his family. The only thing that does matter, is that I, Roaktahl, beat Bootloops in damage.

10/7 Roaks

It’s been an excellent week of raiding and some solid progress in both difficulties. Good job to everyone this week and looking forward to kicking more goals next week.

<3
Roak