Posts by Roak

ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast. Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless. Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful...

Onineko Walks the Red Carpet – Receives Pants 7/10H

Greetings and Salutations to all the grand people of Onineko and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast. In this edition, we break down all the goss, glitz and glamour from the 2021 Council of Blood first heroic kill awards show and find out who is the coveted winner of the 2021 Onineko Dance Party Award. Let’s get started! First, let’s introduce our hosts for this wonderful event: Starting from the top, the first target and looking absolutely fabulous wearing his...

Glaifing: The hit new drug killing your children! 6/10H

Greetings Fellow Oninekians and welcome to the latest Roak Poast coming to you live from my desk under threat of castration by Bob “if it’s not out by midnight…” Our top story this week. The new drug hitting the streets that is raping your children right under your noses. It’s called Glaifing, but also goes by the street names, chimping, snarking, evilteddy and hula hooping with the jamaican queen. So where are your children getting these glaifs from? His name...

Terrorists Win: Turtle Completes Takeover as Yogoth Joins Old Boy Hall of Fame

As is tradition within the hallowed halls of our beloved guild. Each time a GM passes beyond the realms mortal world into that peculiar land of purgatory known as "Old Boy", we take a moment to honour their contributions to our guild, great and small

Sneaky Sunday Sessions: Hungering Destroyer down! 3/10H

Of Castle Nathria’s ten bosses, Hungering Destroyer (HD) is arguably the most forgettable (at least in normal), with mediocre tank mechanics and otherwise ignorable other mechanics, I’ve found it hard to get excited about this boss. Heroic mode does improve the experience, adding in a new mechanic and doubling the total fight length. Not unlike most of the virgin nerd lords in Onineko, HD suffers from a serious case of blue balls, an ailment he can only rid himself of,...

Onineko Storms Onward! 10/10N 2/10H

Pew pew! Welcome all present and future Oninekians that are attracted to the guild by my hilarious words and welcome to this installment of the Shadowlands era of Roak Poasts and our second of Castle Nathria progression. It’s been a big week for Onineko having cleared normal and reclaimed our realm-first-for-one-boss-because-all-the-good-guilds-were-in-heroic title! What’s that? Onineko is a realm first guild? Why yes, yes we are. Is it coincidence that less than 24 hours after Turtle assumed GM responsibilities that Onineko...

Shadowlands Delivers! Onineko storms into Castle Nathria 6/10N

Raiding is back! Castle Nathria launched this week and Onineko took our first steps into the inaugural raid of the Shadowlands expansion. But first, a word from our sponsors: Do you need an arcane intellect buff or some conjured food, but with optional dps ability? Then come on down to Kupp’s Basic Mage Service! We service all your catering and intelligence increasing needs, without the fuss of a player who knows how to deal a lot of damage. Warning: May...

Tales of Onineko Past: Siegecrafter Blackfuse and the Secret Raid

Greetings Friends and Frenemies to the second in a blog series that, like George R. R. Martin’s fantasy epic, A Song of Ice and Fire, will probably never be finished. In this edition, we jump on Chromie’s back and ride the time waves back to 2013/14 at the height of the year-long final raid of the Mists of Pandaria: The Siege of Orgrimmar. Onineko in MoP was a rollercoaster ride of emotion, from failing to even complete the first tier...

Tales of Onineko Past: Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest

Greetings All and welcome to the first installment in a blog series I’ve decided to write to drum up a bit of excitement for the upcoming Shadowlands release. Tales of Onineko Past. In each installment I’ll detail the events of an historic moment in Onineko in the stylistic tone of a classic Roak Poast. In this addition, we talk about the fabled Legendary staff of the Firelands raid: Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest. A long time ago, before Blizzard adopted the “Legendaries...

[Classic] Blizzard introduces new idle game: Warcraft Classic!

Warcraft Classic, aka Queue Simulator 5000, a “new” game by the geniuses at Activision Blizzard, released earlier this week that has, so far, been lauded as the greatest blue balling dick tease since Jessica Nigri announced she’d never do porn. In an exclusive report by The Roak Poast, we’re going to take a Deep Dive into Queue Simulator 5000 (QS5) and give you all the information you need to make the most of your QS5 experience. Let’s get started shall...