Turtle AWOL! Onineko Survives Hummus Drought to Down Stone Legion Generals! 9/10H

January 18, 2021 Roak

Hello to all my weird and wonderful guildmates and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast, the penultimate Poast for heroic in the Castle Nathria tier.

But first, an update on our top story. Guild Master of Onineko, and suspected child molester, Turtle has in fact, made it to the water. After embezzling 60,000L of Onineko brand hummus, Turtle, who was heard laughing like a cartoonish villain was seen just outside Uluru with a group of indigenous children who looked very uncomfortable.

Four children were harmed to take this picture.

An anonymous source from Onineko Parliament has indicated the guild will begin the impeachment process this week, unless Turtle stops penetrating small boys and returns to the guild with the remaining hummus.

With the guild just one boss away from heroic ahead of the curve, it remains to be seen just what exactly our GM is up to, and when or even if, he’ll return to active duty.

Onto our main story for this week! The Stone Legion Generals.

Blizzard really nailed it with this one. A boss fight with mechanics coming out your eyeballs that each must be handled or suffer a painful death. The encounter revolves around the two Generals named in the title. Carl and Greg.

Prior to the Shadowlands expansion, Carl was a simple goat herder in southern Revendreth, but events set into motion by Sylvannas and the Jailer forced Carl to leave his family’s ancestral home, with nothing but a pitchfork and a straw hat. Unbeknownst to most, Carl suffered from a rare disease called “imascratchucunt” which caused Carl to uncontrollably scratch and make all his friends bleed, this obviously led Carl to lead a solitary life where he would not be a danger to those around him.

It was after being conscripted into Denathrius’ army, that Carl met Greg, a local city boy from Nighthaven who was out looking for adventure. Greg of course, coming from Sparkle mountain, is one of the last remaining Gargoyles who possess the Crystalize ability, literally the only cure to Carl’s incessant bleeding. It was this fateful meeting that would start the partnership of a lifetime atop the roof of Castle Nathria.

The strategy for the fight is simple. Take wicked blades out to to the left and eruptions out to the right. The position of the rest of the raid including the tanks and bosses, are largely static, except of course when one of the multitude of mechanics happens, and you need to move. Unfortunately, our healers are big giant massive sooks (especially that Shacarius cunt) who are unable to read or form coherent sentences.

You see, Wicked Blade (the main bleeding ability) is thrown out to two marked targets. The two targets are guaranteed to get the debuff, there is no stopping this. Additionally, anybody who comes into contact with the blade mid-flight will also receive the debuff. However there is one other way to get this debuff, simply by being close enough to someone else that gets hit.

What this means is, you don’t actually need to get hit by the blade, you just need to be within 8 yards of another idiot who touched the blade. I’m not entirely sure if this is chainable and a person hit will also spark it to other players within 8 yards who spark it to other players within 8 yards and so on, but once you actually read the ability it’s pretty easy to understand how one shitty melee (for arguments sake let’s call him Sleepypanda) could be a couple of yards out of position and get hit, infecting the entire melee pack.

Simple explanations that exonerate the tanks from any wrongdoing aside. Jesus Christ our healers are whiney little shits. Most of you know that at least half my WoW career has been spent healing, so I know for a fact that it is super easy to do and requires no skill whatsoever, so if you were thinking of patting our healers on the back for a job well done, don’t. Celebrating healers gives them a big head that is not conducive to running a successful raid team.

In summary, this week’s progression was fucking awesome, from struggling and eating every wicked blade, wiping early phase 1, to dominating the entire encounter with both bosses and landing that sweet sweet kill.

7/7 Roaks

Fail of the Fight: Shacarius for saying dumb shit about tank positioning literally the entire night and ultimately being proven wrong like the fucking retard he is.