ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

January 14, 2021 Roak

Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast.

Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless.

Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful guild was not present and as those who have been around for many a Roak Poast know, I have nothing but kind and supportive words for the men and women who have slaved away making this guild great. However last night, Turtle crossed a line that few have dared even look at and I fear for the future of our once glorious guild.

On the subject of our “esteemed” Guild Master, who actually voted for him anyway? I know I didn’t and many of those who did are now suddenly scratching their heads and saying “Oops, shouldn’t have done that!”. I’m not an officer of Onineko anymore friends, I’m just an ordinary person like all of you. And like all of you, I want to know, what has happened to my guild?

Roak Poast attempted to contact the office of the GM for comment, but was instead informed that the GM was out shopping for more breadsticks.

Now that that’s behind us, let’s talk about the raid.

After an underwhelming and well below average Wednesday raid. Onineko returned to Castle Nathria (sans-hummus) and headed straight for the Council of Blood, one-shotting it in the process. Filled with confidence we went back to Sludgefist, our nemesis from last week and…we actually did loads better than last week, actually succeeding all the mechanics and hitting the hard enrage mechanic.

Unfortunately, this hard enrage requires some pretty serious DPS and the raid needed to be trimmed for us to meet those requirements, so it would be remiss of me not to thank those that graciously stepped out so the rest of us could proceed.

With a lean mean, fighting raid team, the final challenge we needed to overcome, was within ourselves. Yes that’s right, Facemasher, known for his raid leading abilities and strict loyal obedience to a shitty warrior spec, fucked up basically every attempt by dying needlessly, this wouldn’t have been so bad except that he’d usually take a good DPS with him.

In the end, our kill was as smooth as silk, with the only death being yours truly, murdered by the charge that went through the pole to kill the unsuspecting bear behind it.

The heroic version actually makes this a really fun fight, coordination of shit on the ground, precise perfect execution and a fat Sludgefist head as loot for everyone!

6/7 Roaks

Fail of the Fight: If it wasn’t obvious already… Facey.