Ez Fears Roak, Rerolls Paladin – 8/8N 2/8H

Despite limited play time this tier and a clear lack of understanding of any boss mechanics, Guild Legend Roaktahl has been able to rally the guild with his charismatic charm, leading from behind the scenes to see Onineko claim the scalp of Queen Azshara in her Eternal Palace in normal difficulty, just one week after the launch of the tier. Not only that, but dipping our toes in the water (geddit??) in heroic and knocking over the first two bosses with little trouble.

But it’s not all smiles and sunshine in Onineko-land, with incumbent top Resto Druid Ez deciding to reroll to Holy Paladin citing concerns that Roaktahl, Hero of Onineko was returning and the pressure of playing against such an amazing and obviously talented player was not worth it compared to playing the far simpler Paladin class that relies on beacon to do “half of the work” for you.

It’s a move that has rocked the Onineko healing community to it’s very foundations.

However Ez isn’t the only player who has shown signs of concern at having Roak return to raiding. Roak Poast caught up with local Peadophile Priest Ruki, also known as “fort buff plz” and a staunch supporter of former Cardinal, George Pell, to get her thoughts on the matter.

“Yeah to be honest if I knew Roak was coming back, I would have stayed unsubbed, that guy is just so good at World of Warcraft and I hear he is quite the hunk too.”

But what is it exactly that Roak brings to the raid that transforms Onineko from a mediocre guild full of mouth breathers to a guild that one shots every boss we try in our second week? Is it profound knowledge of his class and game mechanics? A sense of humour unrivaled? Completely false and biased right-wing news reporting? Groff jokes?

Onineko’s both literal and figurative asshole – Shacarius, who has been unsuccessfully attempting to mimic Roaktahl for years says there’s more to it than that.

“Roak’s value is immeasurable by conventional standards, you need to consider not only what he does day to day, but the power channeled through generations of Jewish ancestry.¬†Nobody truly understands what Roak brings to a typical raid and this is why although he sometimes might appear to be at the bottom of all the healing meters, the reality is this is very easily brushed away and you should stop questioning it.”

Searching for further information, Roak Poast tried contacting Medio, but a Spokesperson for Medio Trinket Monopoly Incorporated said the superstar Monk was too busy rolling his face over the revival button to comment.

Determined to get to the bottom of this. Roak Poast surveyed all players in the guild with the name Anghelz and surprisingly found the results to be completely unanimous: Glue. But what does glue mean in the context of Roaktahl? Is he the glue that keeps disparate Oninekian factions together? A glue that sticks to all the bad things and takes them away? A unique mix of ego and self deprecation, wrapped up in an easy to digest satirical news format? Or is Ang just craving some Roak glue to rub over his body while he dances seductively in the shower?

Unfortuantely the answers to these and many more questions are beyond the scope of this article and therefore won’t be investigated any further. All we know for now is that Onineko is Roaktahl and Roaktahl is Onineko, the two as inseparable as an unvaccinated child and a bottle of essential oils.

In the meantime, enjoy a well earned pat on the back Onineko, normal has been cleared and we’re a quarter of the way through heroic already. Fun times are ahead!

-Roak