Shit-post

Turtle AWOL! Onineko Survives Hummus Drought to Down Stone Legion Generals! 9/10H

January 18, 2021 Roak
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Progress, Shit-post

Hello to all my weird and wonderful guildmates and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast, the penultimate Poast for heroic in the Castle Nathria tier. But first, an update on our top story. Guild Master of Onineko, and suspected child molester, Turtle has in fact, made it to the water. After embezzling 60,000L of Onineko brand hummus, Turtle, who was heard laughing like a cartoonish villain was seen just outside Uluru with a group of indigenous children who looked very...

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ALL THE HUMMUS IS GONE! Turtle absconds with Guild supply as Sludgefist dies 8/10

January 14, 2021 Roak
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Progress, Shit-post

Friends, it brings me no joy as I sit here and write today’s Roak Poast. Yesterday, recently elected Guild Master and suspected terrorist sleeper agent Turtle, in place of attending the mandatory scheduled heroic raid progression, embezzled and absconded with the guild supply of hummus, leaving our falafel’s dry and tasteless. Compounding our woes, it pains me to say that not for many years have I had to write a Roak Poast where the GM of our great and powerful...

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Onineko Walks the Red Carpet – Receives Pants 7/10H

January 11, 2021 Roak
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Greetings and Salutations to all the grand people of Onineko and welcome to this week’s Roak Poast. In this edition, we break down all the goss, glitz and glamour from the 2021 Council of Blood first heroic kill awards show and find out who is the coveted winner of the 2021 Onineko Dance Party Award. Let’s get started! First, let’s introduce our hosts for this wonderful event: Starting from the top, the first target and looking absolutely fabulous wearing his...

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Glaifing: The hit new drug killing your children! 6/10H

January 4, 2021 Roak
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Greetings Fellow Oninekians and welcome to the latest Roak Poast coming to you live from my desk under threat of castration by Bob “if it’s not out by midnight…” Our top story this week. The new drug hitting the streets that is raping your children right under your noses. It’s called Glaifing, but also goes by the street names, chimping, snarking, evilteddy and hula hooping with the jamaican queen. So where are your children getting these glaifs from? His name...

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Terrorists Win: Turtle Completes Takeover as Yogoth Joins Old Boy Hall of Fame

December 29, 2020 Roak
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As is tradition within the hallowed halls of our beloved guild. Each time a GM passes beyond the realms mortal world into that peculiar land of purgatory known as "Old Boy", we take a moment to honour their contributions to our guild, great and small

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Sneaky Sunday Sessions: Hungering Destroyer down! 3/10H

December 21, 2020 Roak
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Of Castle Nathria’s ten bosses, Hungering Destroyer (HD) is arguably the most forgettable (at least in normal), with mediocre tank mechanics and otherwise ignorable other mechanics, I’ve found it hard to get excited about this boss. Heroic mode does improve the experience, adding in a new mechanic and doubling the total fight length. Not unlike most of the virgin nerd lords in Onineko, HD suffers from a serious case of blue balls, an ailment he can only rid himself of,...

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Onineko Storms Onward! 10/10N 2/10H

December 18, 2020 Roak
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Progress, Shit-post

Pew pew! Welcome all present and future Oninekians that are attracted to the guild by my hilarious words and welcome to this installment of the Shadowlands era of Roak Poasts and our second of Castle Nathria progression. It’s been a big week for Onineko having cleared normal and reclaimed our realm-first-for-one-boss-because-all-the-good-guilds-were-in-heroic title! What’s that? Onineko is a realm first guild? Why yes, yes we are. Is it coincidence that less than 24 hours after Turtle assumed GM responsibilities that Onineko...

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Shadowlands Delivers! Onineko storms into Castle Nathria 6/10N

December 11, 2020 Roak
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Raiding is back! Castle Nathria launched this week and Onineko took our first steps into the inaugural raid of the Shadowlands expansion. But first, a word from our sponsors: Do you need an arcane intellect buff or some conjured food, but with optional dps ability? Then come on down to Kupp’s Basic Mage Service! We service all your catering and intelligence increasing needs, without the fuss of a player who knows how to deal a lot of damage. Warning: May...

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Tales of Onineko Past: Siegecrafter Blackfuse and the Secret Raid

October 28, 2020 Roak
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Greetings Friends and Frenemies to the second in a blog series that, like George R. R. Martin’s fantasy epic, A Song of Ice and Fire, will probably never be finished. In this edition, we jump on Chromie’s back and ride the time waves back to 2013/14 at the height of the year-long final raid of the Mists of Pandaria: The Siege of Orgrimmar. Onineko in MoP was a rollercoaster ride of emotion, from failing to even complete the first tier...

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Tales of Onineko Past: Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest

September 30, 2020 Roak
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Greetings All and welcome to the first installment in a blog series I’ve decided to write to drum up a bit of excitement for the upcoming Shadowlands release. Tales of Onineko Past. In each installment I’ll detail the events of an historic moment in Onineko in the stylistic tone of a classic Roak Poast. In this addition, we talk about the fabled Legendary staff of the Firelands raid: Dragonwrath, Tarecgosa’s Rest. A long time ago, before Blizzard adopted the “Legendaries...

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