Do they actually expect me to write something? 7/8H

We interrupt this weeks issue of Roakpoast for an erotic fan-fiction.

“Muahahahaha!” Bellowed Zul. Weeks of not being killed by Onineko had made the dead troll zombie ghost thing cocky and overconfident. Little did he know that this time, it was different. Not Sandy “accidentally” pulling early at five seconds, that was the same. Nor Kupp running to Narnia and ranging the healers, that too was the same. Maybe it was the absence of the safety net Roak brings with his awesome heals, maybe it was Lic’s actual absence inspiring raw confidence, we’ll never really know, but suffice to say, something was different and Zul was about to experience something never before seen (except for the like…1000 other guilds that already killed him but this story isn’t about them).

Differences aside, Onineko charged in and the fight began!

“You’ll never defeat me Onineko!” Zul fought hard and strong, smacking his weapon into Nowhy’s face, but the wily monk bastard just kept shaking the damage off, then stabbing himself repeatedly every few seconds, causing the same amount of damage, just over a longer period, cause I think that’s how Monk’s tank. Just then, Kupp charged in “Say nice things about me guys! It’ll make me tank better!”. As the compliments rolled in, Kupp’s…ego began to grow and grow and grow! Sadly it was overhyped and underwhelming, “You suck Kupp!” said a voice that vaguely sounded like Roak, but couldn’t possibly be Roak cause he wasn’t here, nevertheless the lapse in concentration allowed Zul to sneak an attack off, some kind of zombie troll fireball thing, which smacked Turtle right in the face, knocking him down to critical health. “Quick, get in my healing rain!” yelled Nikui, who was flying the G1 healing banner solo. As Turtle limped his way towards the rain, Nikui was there, waiting, watching and the moment Turtle hit that rain… “Look, Turtle made it to the water!” he said, much to the groan of everyone (mostly Red).

Then the phase change hit, the smiles turned to concentration, it was time to bring out the big guns. Monsoon hit out hard, with lust his dps reached the #1 spot, unfortunately his account has been marked by Blizzard and he was banned mid-raid for exploiting. The healing was tough, Saj pressed holy hammer, then avenging light, followed by beacon of holy hammer wrath judgement, but it wasn’t keeping up. “Hold my vape!” he said as he began to morph, his plate armour melting into leather, the holy aura twisting into whatever Mistweaver monks use, unfortunately he was feared and ran off the edge. Nonetheless, Zul’s health began to dwindle, Onineko was doing it, we were going to make it! Then the wall was hit, 20% hp and not a health point lower. “Keep going!” Turtle shouted, but to no avail, Zul would not budge. Then, out of the shadows he stepped forth. “I know how to get past this.” a mysterious voice said. “It’s the Onineko curse, there’s only one cure.” Ctwin walked over to Zul and in a move that was reminscient of Obi-wan Kenobi vs. Darth Vader, he held his plastic daggers in the air and was struck down by Zul, vanishing out of sight.

Zul’s health ticked down to 19%.

With Ctwin’s heroic hearth, the fight was back on, but Zul was not to be outdone. “We need more weird fucked up shit!” exclaimed Turtle, his mouth half full with delicious halal meat. “So, it’s come to this…?” said Facey, his mashing gloves set to ‘ready’. “Let’s do this Macey!” The two warriors stood side by side and shouted in unison “ACEASHER!”. The ground rumbled, the skies wept and mothers covered their childrens eyes, (FM)² was born. The gangly half-Asian ginger was woefully unsuited to combat and did little to make anything better, but it did look pretty cool.

Despite all the many challenges, it looked like Onineko would finally prevail over Zul and his ilk. Woozles was tanking, his incompetence blended alongside the incompetence of the other tanks. He swung his mighty undeservedly high ilevel hammer over and over, but then, his eyes began to blur, his movements slowed, was this fatigue? Was he really just that bad? Suddenly, a dagger flashed slitting the Death Knights throat, Woozles felt to the ground in a puddle of blood or something red, I dunno, DK’s do red things. Behind him, hooded and cloaked, the real villain finally revealed himself.

“Deages!” The raid simultaneously cried out. “Yes! It is I Deages, the Alliance hero, and I’m here to stop Onineko from killing this boss!”. said Deages, still wearing that faggy little Alliance helm. As the gravity of this unsuspecting reveal hit in, one hero was already in motion. “TASMANIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” shouted Anghelz as he rushed to engage Deages. “I’ll hold him off, you guys get Zul!” and the stage for the ripping conclusion was finally set, Assasination vs. Outlaw. Both rogues sat in stealth, afk’ing and pretending like they were in some kind of intense invisible battle, but it was Deages who would slip up first, accidentally walking into some red shit one of the tanks dropped. Broken from stealth, Ang pounced, pressing roll the dice and critting Deages in the face with a 6. “PULL THE NEXT BOSS!” he shouted but nobody was really listening.

Then, unexpectedly another dagger flashed, Ang dropped to the ground as the body of Deages rose up. “Muahaha, you have no power here, little Onineko.” said the voice coming from Deages, only, it wasn’t Deages… The mysterious stranger reached for that faggy little helmet and began to remove it…

“YOG!”

Yes, the guild master and reigning big dick of Onineko was the REALLY real final villain, and he was unstoppable. “None here have the power to overthrow me, I am the God of Onineko!” He laughed, twisted and maniacally. Despair hit the raid as the realisation that Zul would never die began to set in.

“I WILL STOP YOU!”

The raid turned as yet another mysterious hooded figure rose from the edge of the arena, but he was no one that anyone recognised. Half his body was coated in the finest plate armour, the other half, in strips of leather. The voice was authoritative, yet soothing, religious, but not zealous. “Reveal yourself stranger, that I may end you personally.” shouted Yog. “With pleasure.” and with that the hooded hero pulled off his hood, revealed the one true hero of Onineko, Saj! Only, it wasn’t him, he had merged his alter egos, Paladin and Monk, forming World of Warcraft’s first and only PALADONK.

Meanwhile everyone who hasn’t so far been mentioned yet in this post, began to worry. “Did he forget us?”, “Was I not nice enough to Roak?”, “Does Roak not like me?” No it was nothing like that (unless your name is Ruki, Fuck you Ruki). Roak just doesn’t think that highly of you.

Yog gasped, he knew only Saj had the power to dethrone his evil reign or at least that’s what how it is in discord so why not! Saj leapt into action, shortening the distance with a chi roll. Yog cast moonfire, but Saj blocked it with his shield, swinging in low with his mace and following up with a leg sweep. Yog shifted into cat form, it was not very effective. Saj struck again, this time with a HolyLightOut kick, which Yog copped straight in his fluffy kitty belly, winding him. This fight was intense.

Fifteen minutes and a bunch more hilarious Paladonk sounding techniques later

“It can’t be…that’s impossible!” Yog stumbled out, as he fell to his knees. “I did everything…right”. As Yog lay on the ground, gasping out his last words, all the people that have so far not been mentioned, all collectively pointed out that Zul had been dead for about half an hour.

THE END

Nobody takes screenshots besides me so please accept this artist rendition of (MF)²

-Roak