Out with the old, in with the new: Your new officer team!

With mythic starting next week and Onineko probably going to fail killing any new bosses for a while, I decided to stretch my creative mind and publicly roast Onineko’s new (and old!) officer team to amp everyone up for the upcoming constant and repeated wipes yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

First up, the dudebros that got the guild this far, you’ve probably never seen them do anything because lets face it, they never did, starting in chronological order of when they became an officer we have…

Roaktahl

Easily the smartest and most talented of the ex-officer team. Roaktahl was born on a sunny day, probably in Israel (cause he’s Jewish, getting that one out of the way early). Despite his sinister Jew powers, Roak decided to be a force for good and he became GM sometime in 2011 where he immediately circumcised Oninekoberg, into the guilds current and permanent name, Onineko. Despite being the guilds best tank, best raid leader and pretty much a cool dude all round, Roak had a massive sook during WoD, got the sads and gave up being a nice guy, deciding instead to troll the shit out of anyone who dared to come closer and inspect the weeping wounds caused by The Sookening (never forget 12/07/2015). Nowadays you’ll find Roak shouting obscenities at Turtle or really just anyone on the street that looks funny. Approach with caution.

Lic/Shacarius

Affectionately known as the asshole of Onineko, Lic joined Onineko early in Cataclysm on his warlock where years of smoking marijuana made him quiet and efficient at the game. Lic’s consistent play led to Roak allowing him to be the first (and only) holder of the legendary firelands staff which would bind Lic in service to Roak for all eternity. Lic became an officer towards the end of Cata after months of failed attempts at forming a heroic Dragon Soul raid failed and Roak just gave in. This turned out to be one of the worst hires for officer in the history of the guild (somehow still not the the worst) and almost led to the complete disbandment of the guild in early MoP. Since then he’s had no real reason to be an officer other than nobody could be fucked demoting him, which kind of sums up the guild as a whole. In any case Lic’s retired permanently from the game or something which means we should see him back just in time for the next expansion.

Ctwin

Now normally I wouldn’t sit here at my desk and write petty insults at Ctwin but…I don’t know how to finish this fragment so moving on. Most of what I think can be found here (cross-blog-promotion shit yeah!) but if you want me to say it again – He’s a shit lord who never shows up to progression kills and now he can’t kick me anymore HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Kupp

Now I know for a fact that Kupp has been waiting years for Roak to shine the ol’ spotlight on him in one of the news posts and it is for exactly this reason that I will not do it. Let’s move on.

Rushton

Although only an officer for a short period, Rushton (or Rushbro if you’re in with the cool kids) had a tremendous impact when he proved capable of making actual, real and accurate raid calls (not since Roak had such an anomaly occurred). About fifteen seconds later Rushbro was an officer and the average officer care factor increased by a factor of one. Productivity was at an all time high and everybody knew that you dps’d the fireball thing at red then moved onto blue during the Botanist fight (unless Yog fucked the markers up again). Rushton of course leaves us to work on his “gym gainz” and based on this candid little snapshot he sent me, I think it’s working!

Sarieon

I know what you’re thinking, “No Roak, not Saj, he’s far too nice and sweet to make fun of!” Well that’s probably because you haven’t heard of the recent child pornography scandal. Yeah, that’s what I thought…try looking him in the eye after hearing that.

^{(File photo censored for privacy reasons)}

Facemasher

Born in 2012 to a couple of gay Chinese prison gold farmers, Face learned from an early age two things; Farm gold and Mash faces, but his picturesque world would come apart during the Great Prison Wall Escape of China. Left shackled to his workstation, Facemasher face mashed his way through his his own ankles and crawled his way to freedom. Finally free of forced Chinese labour, Face now spends his free time farming gold in World of Warcraft.

Turtle

Last and almost certainly least, we have Turtle. Born in Victoria, probably in the 80’s and likely in whatever the Victorian equivalent of Punchbowl is, Turtle came clean out of his mother’s womb with nothing but a Turkey baster and an extra large tin of olive oil (Nana’s recipe). Fed a diet of souvlaki, gyros and halal snack packs, Turtle grew up as the fat kid, and because he’s ethnic, he also obviously smelled really bad so making friends was difficult. Fat, friendless and full of gas (I forgot to mention that part), all the ingredients necessary to make a World of Warcraft player were ripe and ready as Turtle slipped the DVD into the drive…but would he be a force for good, or another minion of the trolls? The jury is still out…