Terrorists Win: Turtle Completes Takeover as Yogoth Joins Old Boy Hall of Fame

Dark days are upon us my dear Oninekians.

As is tradition within the hallowed halls of our beloved guild. Each time a GM passes beyond this realm’s mortal world into that peculiar land of purgatory known as “Old Boy”, we take a moment to honour their contributions to our guild, great and small. For those of you who don’t like wordy Roak Poasts, since we’re honouring Yogoth today, this should go by pretty quick.

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I’ve mentioned this before, but Yog is perhaps the only current Onineko member who was recruited into the guild before yours truly. Yog’s journey in the guild began in the Burning Crusade. The guild was still on our original server of Blackrock – then the unofficial realm for Australian Horde players. Since I wasn’t playing with Yog back then I can’t say much for what he was like, but if his current standards are anything to go by, he was inadequate and below average.

Yog stopped playing at some point around Wrath, before I returned to Blackrock and joined Onineko, but I do remember one story, when I saw Yog login during Wrath – or so I thought, after messaging him (Yog and I played in Vanilla and it was my first time seeing him online in some time) I realised the person behind the character was suspiciously not Yog. I contacted Yog outside of the game and yes indeed, he had been hacked. So yes, if not for me, Yog would be owned by China.

Yog didn’t start playing the game again until mid-way through Mists of Pandaria. He came at a time when we needed to fill a few DPS spots and was welcomed with open arms. Unfortunately years of spending time outside with real people had withered his wow skills into atrophy. I remember scouring logs with him and making an account on mmo-champ asking for Balance Druid help. As most of you would already know by now, my attempts to improve Yog were unsuccessful, and he is an ongoing project.

Yog took over the guild partway through Legion. His predecessor had been slacking off for years by then and Yog was an easy scapegoat to unload the guild onto. It was during Yog’s administration that I formally resigned as an Officer, so how would I describe Yog’s term? Honestly, it was probably the most peaceful (at least for me) time in Onineko’s ofttimes turbulent history. While arguably the tradeoff for this was a more casual approach to raiding, Onineko’s core values that have followed the guild for over a decade now have never been stronger.

So even though we like to call Yog names like “Captain No-Damage”, “Commander in Poop”, “General Snorington” and my personal favourite “Just shut up so we can pull the boss!”. Yog has left behind a legacy to be recorded in the annals of Onineko history, for all time to come. So I hope you’ll all join me in a toast and a celebration to yet another glorious former Guild Master of Onineko! Yogoth the Yawning!

But the peaceful Yog years weren’t all sunshine and rainbows. Years of gluttony made Onineko soft, fat and ripe with jolly bearded jelly and thus leads me to introduce the cast of diabolical villains that took our dear, sweet, sometimes naive Yog down and feasted on the rich corpse of Onineko down in the depths of the Shadowlands.

“Bob” Nuphy

Starting at the bottom, the lowest form of beast known to man and truly a cruel hearted thug. “Bob” as he’d have you believe his name is (seriously, who the fuck is named Bob anymore?) worked his way up from the streets of Onineko, living fight to fight, avenger’s shield to avenger’s shield. Scraping by with whatever silver coins dropped from the dead human(oid)s around him.

Bob’s official title is “Recruitment Officer” and he’s so far earned his Officer stripes by belittling trial members, ratting out the strong from the weak with his vicious words, taunting and teasing even the most trivial of errors until only the strong, cold-hearted bastards remain.

Bob has yet to show what is truly behind those cold, dead eyes of his and let me tell you my friends, I’m frightened to find out.

Mistress Ez

The woman known only as “Ez” had less than humble beginnings moonlighting as a virgin Night Elf priestess on World of Warcraft’s Moonguard Role-Playing server. Her regular and most adoring patrons described her role-playing as nothing short of “awe-inspiring”. Unfortunately for Ez, her talents drew the attention of a former Onineko Elite and she was swept up in the ever moving tide of the Onineko Underworld.

A master of her trade, Ez would not be swallowed by the beasts of Onineko and instead, capitalised on her new found position, owning and dominating the Onineko nightlife and establishing herself as it’s new Mistress and Queen. Life was good, but all dreams must come to an end and in Ez’s case it was in the shape of a greasy hummus smelling turtle.

Always adapting, Ez has become accustomed to her new role as “Healing Officer” of Onineko. Merely a cover for her tawdry scandals with the new ruling class of Onineko. Ever a festishist – Ez will often ask the raid to “watch their feet”, but don’t be fooled my brave reader. This is merely a code phrase intended to cause untold ecstacy to those embroiled in her sick games, which I hear anyone can participate in… for a price.

“Bootlicker“

Caesar had Labienus, Trump had Pence and Turtle has Bootlicker. The self-styled “2IC” of Onineko and with an ego to boot (geddit?!?!) is the Officer with the least experience in the guild, having joined during BfA, but that has not stopped him for getting up in the face and forcing his will upon any and all that dare oppose him.

Boot, who actually has red hair and no soul is a desperate and calculating man as only a person in the number two spot can be after he realises he’s still only second fiddle. When he’s not plotting Turtle’s untimely demise, you will find his mouth, firmly wrapped around Turtle’s penis. Symbolising the perfect symbiotic bond between captain and first mate.

While I have nothing but respect for a man who’s willing to stand up and get shit done in a world (of warcraft) full of lazy shits who are waiting for someone to wipe their ass for them. I could never respect a ranga. Fuck you Boot.

Osama bin Turtle

The big boss himself, Turtle’s story begins long before the Onineko charter was even signed. In a small village in West Lebanon, Turtle was registered as a member of the Al Qaeda Youth Program and while noted by his teacher’s to be a kid sure to “blow up ” the terrorism scene, he was ultimately the only student to fail his suicide bombing exam due to a malfunctioning trigger in his “death” vest.

Shunned by his peers, Turtle fled Lebanon for Australia and fortunately struck big by investing in hummus before the big Australian Lebanese boom of the 90s where spikey frosted tips and being “fully sick” was seen as cool and hip. Taking his earnings, Turtle bought himself a PC and began a self taught course on remote management, a skill he applies in his day to day job of bossing people around on the internet.

Turtle joined Onineko during the much maligned Warlords era, but remained a quiet and dilligent member, biding his time for an opportunity to strike. His first chance came mid-Legion, with the flagging leadership of the Groff Reich, Turtle was given an opportunity to lead raids and boss people around, the experience was educational, but he could already see that the moment was not yet ripe for his complete takeover. In fact it would not be until the tail end of the Yogoth administration that Turtle, with Salesforce like precision, would sneak into the night and acquire Onineko in a fully legal and totally legitimate manner.

Now folks, I’ve been in this guild a long time. I’ve lived through the Barbaric Morley times, The Golden Age of Roak, The Groff Reich and of course the Soviet Yogion, but when it comes to the question of what the future holds for Onineko under the TISIS administration, I just can’t say.

The only thing that remains constant in this ever changing world of mystery and mayhem, is The Roak Poast. Stay tuned for future editions.

Merry Xmas & Happy New Year!
– Roak