Roak Poast Late Mail: DOORY DOOTY ‘DITION – 9/9H

Greetings and Salutations to all the little Roaklings out in the Roakiverse today. I know you’ve all been waiting patiently for this edition of the Roak Poast, the (possibly?) final one of the tier that wraps up Azshara and the Eternal Palace raid. Well friends, I’m still fired up from dishing out some red-hot justice to a rapist last week, so without further ado, let’s get into it!

“But wait a minute Roak, if I’m not mistaken, you weren’t even there for the first kill of Azshara, are you even qualified to write a Roak Poast here?” – Some know-it-all jackass, probably Lic or Turtle.

Fortunately, I was able to do my best Groff impression and managed to change the rules to: “include players who were present for the second kill and who’s name begins with Roak” which neatly wraps up this loose end, and may this be the last we ever discuss Roak missing out on a first kill.

Unfortunately this means you still missed out Kupp. 🙁


Queen Azshara, the First of Her Name, The Waterlogged, Queen of the Naga, the Night Elves and the Burning Legion, Consort to Sargeras (self proclaimed), Khaleesi of Nazjatar, N’Zoth’s number one stooge, Lady Regent of Zin-Azshari, Owner of Tentacles and Mother of Various forms of aquatic life, aka the final boss of the Eternal Palace raid instance was found guilty of being dead following an encounter in which her health points were reduced to 0.

Multiple witnesses to the account have claimed that a zerg strategy was used to perform the killing after numerous attempts at “doing mechanics” proved fruitless due to the low quality of player commonly found wearing the <Onineko> guild tag.

Roak Poast attempted to contact Facemasher, the leader of the prosecution for comment, but was informed by associates of “Facey Mash and Co. Legal Associates & Optometry” that the victory was “not behd” and a “good soize” followed by various other stereotypically Lebanese-English expressions commonly spoken by poor brown people with no education.

It’s also important to note, that despite a court order to introduce extensive buffs to his class, Shacarius was still unable to beat The #1 student from the school of Roak Healing, Ez. Shacarius was contacted for comment, but the only thing we got out of him was a lot of whinging and a few sobs.

Despite the guilty verdict, Azshara is expected to appeal in Mythic Court, where it’s anticipated that she will remain undefeated for the remainder of the expansion.

Queen Azshara was not the only entity on trial, with Onineko’s official worst player ever – Sandy – being charged with multiple offenses relating to failure to keybind the battle res button. While that trial is still ongoing, it is expected that regardless of the outcome, Sandy will continue being awful at everything, claiming his failures on various types of UI glitches that only ever seem to happen when he is required to perform a duty outside of pressing 1 on his keyboard.

With heroic progression officially over and limited interest in Mythic progression. This will likely be the final Roak Poast of the season. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank myself, Roaktahl for being awesome, as well as continuing to entertain the guild with my unique brand of inappropriate humour. I’d also like to thank the guild leaders, Yogoth and Sarieon for failing to remove my soap box and allowing me to continue preaching hate and intolerance to you, the fans of the Roak Poast. Lastly, I’d like to extend a huge fuck you to Turtle, just cause I can.

No screenshot unfortunately, but we do have a video!

– Roak