[Classic] Blizzard introduces new idle game: Warcraft Classic!

Warcraft Classic, aka Queue Simulator 5000, a “new” game by the geniuses at Activision Blizzard, released earlier this week that has, so far, been lauded as the greatest blue balling dick tease since Jessica Nigri announced she’d never do porn.

In an exclusive report by The Roak Poast, we’re going to take a Deep Dive into Queue Simulator 5000 (QS5) and give you all the information you need to make the most of your QS5 experience.

Let’s get started shall we?

The first thing you’ll notice about QS5, is the wildly inconsistent relationship between the number of players ahead of you in the queue, and the estimated number of minutes between you, and what I assume to be the end of the game, when you reach first place. This is normal and is a trick put in by the makers of QS5 to inflate hope with the intent to harvest the sweet nerd tears necessary to fuel Activision Blizzard’s conglometry of power.

Inconsistencies aside, QS5 has a number of additional features to help boost your play experience.

The game includes a secret hard mode for anyone who, like me, has a life outside of playing Warcraft. Players who have 9-5 jobs and who aren’t buttholes like Turtle who can play at work, are presented with an extended queue mode, reaching upwards of 12,000 players ahead of you, with estimate times measured in hours, not minutes.

Another bonus feature not often mentioned, is something I’ve personally yet to experience, but is commonly known as the “LOL SERVER DIED”. This bonus comes in two flavours, the queue shortener and the queue longener. For those that are already in queue when an LSD happens, you’ll see your place in queue jump upwards of 5,000 places, luring you into a false sense of security that you might actually get to log in and play tonight. On the other hand, those that are already logged in and are playing, are treated to a special sequence where they get to enjoy all the fun of queue simulator all over again!

Despite being in queue all week, I did manage to sneak fifteen minutes of actual game play in last night, right before they decided to throw in a random Thursday night maintenance just to fuck with me. Fifteen minutes and level three is not nearly enough time to offer any real critique of the game outside of what most people would have heard or seen themselves, but I can say I experienced a number of moments of missing the extra bells and whistles missing from the game, I’m not talking about the obvious quest arrows and highlighted areas, but little things like the mouse cursor not changing to a ‘?’ symbol when hovering over a quest giver, or even quest givers being marked with a yellow dot on the minimap instead of (again) the ‘?’ symbol.

These little “inconveniences”, may make you appreciate the retail version of the game a bit more, but in my time playing so far have not detracted from my overall experience while playing.

In summary, QS5 is exactly what we’ve come to expect from the crack shot team at Activision Bli$$ard and should not be surprised with the offering. Warcraft Classic on the other hand is still being deliberated on, with perhaps a verdict delivered in time for next week’s edition of the Roak Poast Classic.

Stay Roakie Friends,

– Roak