Normal KJ Dead, Heroic Sufficiently wounded, Onineko screenshotting still sucks

June 27, 2017 Roak

Onineko cruised into week one of Tomb with a ravenous hunger not seen since the last time Blizzard made us wait months and months for new content…so Nighthold? The one before that? Doesn’t matter…the point is, in just one week, we’ve cleared approximately 72% of the content we will realistically be able to, setting the guild up for an extremely long period of farming Tomb over and over and over and you get the point. Still, and this is likely a critique of Blizzard’s ability to make enough challenging content more than anything else…it was nice to not totally suck at everything for once.

But we’re not here to jerk each other off over how amazing we are, we’re here to see what Roak thought of the instance, let’s get on with it shall we?

Boss 1: Gorblok

So there’s something about pillars and bowling balls and stuff but it turns out you can just brute force it, who knew? Don’t even get me started on the snoozefest that was the normal version of the fight. 1/7 Roaks

Boss 2: The two guys that do the thing

We wiped at least once so I guess that makes this one hard? The trick to winning is to time it so all your healers get to 100 rage/energy/masturbation points at the same time and then fuck off down to the prison thing to jerk each other off. 2/7 Roaks purely for healer troll.

Boss 3: Fat Cunt

I genuinely don’t know what this guy does. -1/7 Roaks

Boss 4: Mistress Sheila

Zzz in normal (though everything normal was zzz) but pretty fun in heroic. A lot of things happen and if enough people don’t die to them (lol) you win! I sucked at healer meters though so this fight sucked. 2/7 Roaks

Boss 5: Lesbo Sisters Gone Wild

I hear the porn adaptation of this fight has some of the best storylines pornography can buy. 8/7 Roaks

Boss 6: Chained Vagina

Not since EN have we had a boss that vaguely resembles a vagina. Let’s all make jokes and hurt its feelings. 5/7 Roaks

Boss 6.5: Where the fuck is Boss 7?

Easily the most entertaining boss in the entire instance. What you have to do is have your raiders all die slowly during trash and then try and find their way back to the main group, meanwhile the main group has no idea where they’re going so instead you just have about 25 people running around aimlessly looking for the next boss. Bonus points every time someone says “Go Left!” 7/7 Roaks

Boss 7: Another Maiden fight that hasn’t dramatically changed since 2007

All I know is Yog will change the markers on this fight every single week leading to hilarity and confusion. 4/7 Roaks

Boss 8: Plz Tanks

Seriously, all you have to do is keep the fucking Maiden in front of the beam. One job. 2/7 Roaks

Boss 9: Plz Tanks (cont.)

STOP GETTING FISTED LIKE RED ON MARDI GRAS! 4/7 Roaks