Onineko feat ‘Friends of Rip’ unseats Sylvannas and digs into Mythic! 10/10H 3/10M

Dear friends, under threat of virtual torches and pitchforks at my door if this Roak Poast doesn’t release. I have decided to dedicate some time under duress to document the heroic tales of Onineko in our campaign through the Sanctum of Domination.

Previously expected to culminate at the end of Heroic Sylvannas, Onineko has had new life breathed into it in the form of dropping our most underperforming player – a restoration Shaman who nobody can quite remember the name of anymore – and backfilling the last remaining spots in the raid with empty promises of a toothless suck from some homeless red-headed chap with a legendary bow that’s still shit at dps.

Speaking of Heroic Sylvannas, it seems that the final boss of the tier was (unfortunately) the only real challenge of the instance and put up quite the fight in our first kill, mostly – if not entirely – due to the requirement for raiders to cross narrow bridges during the phase two intermission. This of course doesn’t preclude other obvious failures performed on a regular basis such as someone (Teddy) getting hit by a flying chunk of debris during the phase one intermission every second or third attempt.

Ultimately it wasn’t phase one or two that was the problem, but coordinating the collection and dumping of poop that’s necessary in phase three which isn’t unlike how World of Warcraft has become a dumping ground for shit everywhere and each patch just shuffles some shit from one system (platform) to another. In any case, phase three (which takes almost ten minutes just to get to) has a multitude of ways in which you can fuck it up besides the aforementioned poop scooping. This usually comes in the form of some dickhead not moving quick enough (or alternatively – moving too quickly) when Sylvannas targets them with the big arrow thing.

So if the stars align, you make it to phase three and you have a res available to get Calt back up after he disengaged off the platform in phase two for the twelfth wipe in a row. You might have a decent chance at getting Sylvannas to 50% before Bob scoops all the poop just before Facey says “Don’t pick up any more poop”. Job’s done!

7/7 Roaks

With nothing but a few empty places in the raid holding us back. Onineko charged into Mythic the very next day. Utilising the power of friendship, we tapped into the only raider we have who knows good people and filled the raid with three guest stars and a pug. They forever shall be known as:

• Jenine
• Fort Buff
• Bootloops2.0

The first boss on the chopping block. The very boring and entirely pointless Tarragrue which we 1-shot.

0/7 Roaks

We ventured on through the halls of Facey-Go-Splat. A series of trash rooms with weapons on the side that you can pick up and use a special action for awesome damage that’s cut immediately short by death because you’re a warrior without a shield.

That is until we reached the next boss – Eye of the Jailer.

EoJ was ultimately quite a controversial boss. Not just because of the clear class divide that our GM and known hate-crime activist Facemasher tried to create between Green and Blue side (we’ll get into this a bit more further down), but also because of the debut of the Resto Druid rawr choir and their new smash hit single ‘Savage Meow’. The Roak Poast managed to acquire a rare demo tape from the band before they got famous.

Returning to the Green Blue controversy. Roak Poast undertook a covert investigation into the cause of the original explosions that were occuring and found that 100% of explosions that were examined, occurred on the Blue side of the boss arena and were perpetuated by a loan wolf terrorist. Before we reveal the identity of this person, I must include a disclaimer for the sake of the safety of the author of this Poast – It has been decided to censor part of this person’s name such that no identifiable information can be obtained. So without further ado – the terrorist is:

B*b

In the end, with some hard carrying from the green side (this being the side with the green marker on it that always killed the add first) we managed to knock eye boss off and reinstate Facey as the one true Ocular Commander.

6/7 Roaks

Finally we come to our latest and probably final boss of progression cause apparently it gets actually difficult from here.

Finally Blizzard comes up with a boss we can all relate to. The Nine. This boss is full of subtle nods to the ancient order of fuckwits known as the Illuminati. The first tip, this boss requires extreme triangular coordination. The fragments mechanic targets three or four people (I wasn’t paying attention) and requires the team to make a triangle of either equilateral, isosceles or scalene. Further, the group may choose between a right, obtuse or acute angled triangle. Congruency between triangles is not important and a triangle group on the green triangle marker is allowed to be incongruent to the triangle group on the blue square marker.

One thing that is common between all the triangles made by the group. Is that each triangle will always have three sides. Three sides multiplied by three is nine. There are Nine bosses in this fight and they go by the name The Nine. Nine multiplied by nine is eighty-one and when you take eighty-one and divide it by the number of sides on the triangle you get twenty-seven. Twenty-seven divided by the number of bosses is…you guessed it, our number three yet again.

Thus summarises my conclusive proof that Bootloops will in fact pay up on all the sucks he owes Markus for being forced to attend mythic.

Really intense fight, lots of clenching

7/7 Roaks

With that I’ll sign off for today. May your loots be purple and your weekly cache be full of mythic goodies!

<3
Roak