Ni Hao! Guǐmāo (formerly Onineko) Sells Out to China

Hello Friends (and Bootloops) and welcome to this special edition of the Roak Poast, in which we farewell a dear friend, cold-blooded terrorist and hummus thief.

Turtle’s tenure as GM was short, but in the crucial opening months of Shadowlands, the changes he inacted on Onineko were nothing short of transformational. I didn’t raid much in BfA but it must have been shit house by comparison to the experience he forged this expansion. While Turtle has been the butt of many jokes these past few months, he’s taken it all in stride and never relented in reminding us to watch our feet.

Onineko’s progress this expansion belongs to everyone, but without the impetus from Turtle to reach higher and further, we’d all probably be playing Valheim like some other losers that I know of…

Despite his many shortcomings, Turtle joins the cast of legendary ex-GM’s (including yours truly) currently sitting on the Old Boy bench. We wish him peace in his retirement (though we know with a baby he will get none).

But enough about last week’s old news.

In our first ever financial update, Guimao, the Guild formerly known as Onineko has recently been acquired by Chinese Philanthropist and Eye “Doctor”, Dr. Face Masher. Dr. Masher, best known for doing gross shit to the eye’s of his patients acquired the guild using ancient family money that he’s accumulated over centuries of oppressing the common folk. Owner of China’s largest child labour manufacturing plant. Facey imports orphans* from regional China after they graduate from China’s world-class re-education program for dissident citizens and is the largest supplier of the “I ❤️ NY” t-shirt design.

In a statement made to the press this morning. Dr. Masher, announced the name change for Onineko, indicating that the pseudo-Japanese sounding name was potentially offensive to Chinese interests and that “China Numba Wun”. When questioned about whether Australian guild positions would be in jeopardy. Dr. Masher looked offended, then threatened to boycott all Australian guild members, before ordering construction of several man-made islands in the now called South-Guimao Sea.

Facemasher joined Guimao so long ago that I don’t even remember anymore (WoD or Legion era). As is the case with most leader-types, he found himself in an Officer position in fairly short order and has been coasting ever since (true GM material). But with a playtime that rivals the greatest neckbeards of our generation, it remains to be seen just how Facey will do as leader of our ragtag group of misfits.

When Dr. Masher isn’t spinning in the World of Warcraft, he’s sticking a chopstick in the eye of one of his many patients to, as he describes, “collect the goo”. The Roak Poast understands that Dr. Masher may have up to “several thousand” bottles of eye goo, which is said to hold the key to increased Fury Warrior DPS.

Whatever his secret, and despite the means used to usurp power. Facey is our new lord and all guild members will be expected to swear fealty, or will be punished by being used as mortar for the recently announced development project – The Great Wall of Facemasher.

More as it develops,
– Roak

* Children may or may not have been orphans prior to importation.